It was such a good move to have the always hilarious Ellen DeGeneres host last night’s Oscars because otherwise it was super boring. And apparently boredom is so hot right now because Gravity won everything except the only 5 awards anyone cares about.
Clearly the Academy just LOVED Gravity, but they were like we have to give the actor awards to Matt and Jared because they starved themselves, Lupita needs supporting actress because the masses will torch us if we don’t pick her, and we have to give Cate Blanchett best actress because she will personally torch us if we don’t. And then of course, Ellen already established why 12 Years a Slave had to win best picture:
“It’s going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility No. 1: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility No. 2: You’re all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.”
Kiddinggg, I’ve heard it’s a great movie. I just have a low tolerance for guilt, so I haven’t seen it.
Lots of sparkles and nudes, which I’m okay with since my dream outfit is Britney’s “Toxic” jumpsuit.
Jennifer Lawrence looked nice in red, but she fell AGAIN. Is anyone else getting tired of this? I mean, girl, it’s endearing at first but get a grip!
Of course, Cate Blanchett thinks it’s hilarious because she preys on the weakness of others.
Charlize Theron and Kate Husdon looked super fab.
Everyone is obsessing over this, and don’t get me wrong, I am definitely one to obsess over a Cinderella dress, but am I the only one who thinks this is not a good neckline for her? Being a proud member of the no-boob club, I am all for non-cleavage (i.e. Kate Hudson):
But Lupita is jacked and her chest looks like man pecs. I know it’s mean and no one will say it, but it’s true. She would have been better off with a slightly higher neckline. But on the other hand I guess I can’t hate anyone for looking like a perfectly chiseled sculpture.
My boyfriend Leo didn’t win anything, but that was to be expected. His movie about partying with hookers was up again slavery and AIDS so I guess it would be kind of rude to have him win.
And my girlfriend, Margot, didn’t even show! I stand corrected. Margot was there, I just didn’t recognize her because she RUINED herself!
OH I almost forgot the best part of the whole show:
And that’s the end. I leave you with some of Ellen’s finest:
“You should think of yourself as winners. Not everyone, but all of you that have won before should.”
On Dallas Buyers Club: “It deals with the serious issue of people that have sex at rodeos. Speaking of people that have sex at rodeos, Bruce Dern is here tonight.”
Throwback middle school joke to Jonah Hill: “No I don’t want to see it.”
“For those of you watching around the world, it’s been a tough couple of days for us. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”
“I’m not saying movies are the most important thing in the world because we all know the most important thing in the world is youth.”
Some Oscar slideshows: