Happy Birthday Mid-Day Margarita!

My little marg turns 3 today and officially enters the toddler stage. If she were on Toddlers and Tiaras she would definitely be the one that dressed up as a famous hooker.

But it's still classy because it's Julia Roberts

But it’s still classy because it’s Julia Roberts

And by the time she’s 6, we’ll be looking and living life like this one:

Toddlers & Tiaras Star Isabella Barrett Is a Millionaire at Age 6 - Us Weekly

Toddlers & Tiaras Star Isabella Barrett Is a Millionaire at age 6 – Us Weekly

 

Beyonce watched ‘Bad Teacher’

I got sucked into watching “Bad Teacher” last night on FX because FX has the movies (remember that commercial?). Anyway, during a scene when the dorky kid in class reads a poem to his family, I realized that it’s not just a mediocre Cameron Diaz movie. It’s also the inspiration for a Beyonce song.

Watch as the school loser gives Bey poetic inspiration:

New and revolutionary tips for looking #skinny

We all struggle with unflattering photos that make us look super chub. Until now I thought it was a hopeless cause – we’re all doomed to suffer from photographic arm fat, right? Wrong. The geniuses at Who What Wear have provided us with AMAZING tips for looking thin in photos (thanks to Lady A for alerting me to this). Since they already used the most visually-effective display on their slideshow….

Untitled-1I will use photos of Beyonce to illustrate some of their finer points. Whoever said these photos are “unflattering,” must not have known about the rules because Bey followed them to a T:

Put Your Hand on Your Hip

AMFOOT-NFL-SUPERBOWL-HALTIMEDon’t Tightly Press Your Arms to Your Body

armstobodyKeep Your Chin Up and Out

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????Pull Your Shoulders Back

shouldersbackExperiment With Selfies to Find Your Best Angle

bestangleAdd a Filter

Screen shot 2014-04-10 at 1.26.58 PMSlightly Twist Your Body to the Side

???????????????????????????Avoid Bulky Clothing

bey-9Wear Dark Clothing

nobulkI just feel like….was this slideshow an April Fool’s Day joke? Who What Wear was created by former ELLE Magazine editors. I hope an intern did this.

Gaga frolics with Housewives at Hearst Castle

gagaguybirdI know I’m late on this but Lady Gaga’s new video – sorry “ARTPOP film” – is like someone saw into my fever dream. The song is called “G.U.Y,” which stands for “girl under you.” I definitely see this becoming a household acronym.. it’s the next PYT. (Um, April Fool’s).

Anyway, I’m really only bothering to talk about this at all because A. It’s filmed at Hearst Castle, which is my dream home. I’m hoping I can make my way up the corporate ladder and eventually become queen of the castle.

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B. the Housewives of Beverly Hills cameo…LOL. The housewives band is both creepy and hilarious. Lisa would never agree to be the tambourine player in real life. She would obviously refuse to be anything less than manager, and then quit to manage Scheana’s pop-stardom.

lady-gaga-rhobh-guy-videoKim and Kyle look super happy with their guitars. They should start a folk band and Paris can play remixes of their song “Grumpy Old Man” in Ibiza.

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Yolanda can obviously play all classical instruments. I wonder if David My Love was asked to play piano but declined because people would be singing along.

I just wish Brandi was in the band instead of witchy woman Carlton, but Lisa probably told her she can’t sit with them.

And then Andy Cohen is Zeus, which is accurate.

lady-gaga-video-01Other thoughts:

The first thing I thought when the video started, was that Kanye already did this. I hate to say anything in Kanye’s favor, but he made a “music video film” that starts with a wounded bird woman way back in 2010. Find your own niche, Gags.

Kanye's bird vs. Gaga's bird

Kanye’s bird vs. Gaga’s bird

Also, I get the “pop art” thing with the reality TV and lyrics about tweets (“Love me, love me. Please retweet”) – but Legos? Do we really need to keep going with this “Legos are so hot right now” thing that’s going on? Legos being a la mode reminds me of when Andy Cohen called out Rachel Zoe for calling sliced bread “un-chic.” He really is playing God and laughing at all of us sipping from his “Mazel” chalice (available at shopbybravo.com).

screen-shot-2014-03-24-at-10-11-33-amAlso, he looks like the sun from Teletubbies all grown up.

ttlBabySunRisingThe one thing I enjoyed: Gaga’s lyrical genius. “Venus, Aphrodite lady, Seashell bikini, garden panty.”

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

Sweet garden panty, Gaga

 

A blessing and a curse

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I pay homage to my paler side with pros and cons of being Irish.

curse

Pros:

1. We’re light on our feet

tumblr_m1ryzrOWbl1rskznso1_400Screen shot 2014-03-17 at 9.47.22 AMI’ve been told I have a hop in my step – it’s because there’s an Irish jig playing on loop in my head, obvi.

Untitled-1 copy2. St. Patrick’s Day (self-explanatory)

3. Drunk uncle is not just an SNL character

YKxq9Aa4. We always had a friend growing up because our grandparents didn’t believe in condoms. Thanks to your poor grandma being pregnant for 20 years straight, you have 19 cousins!

I'm actually a Kennedy

I’m actually a Kennedy

5. We’re made out of marshmallows and magic

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Cons:

1. Pasty pink skin, yum

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2. Irish food is terrible…I don’t mean the disgusting things I found Googling Lucky Charms:

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I mean this:

Mmm grandma's cooking

Mmm grandma’s cooking

3. Your last name is so boring and common that on St. Patrick’s Day, the idiot bar tenders can’t even keep track of all the same-name tabs and they give your card away to someone else who probably lives in Hoboken (I know you live there, Michael Ryan, and I know you have my credit card).

4. You had nightmares thanks to those little laminated prayer cards with frightening biblical images on them. I’m pretty sure I used the Angel of Death as a bookmark for most of middle school.

Mom, can I put lamb's blood over my bedroom door?

Mom, I know we’re not Jewish but I’m the first-born sooo can I put lamb’s blood over my bedroom door?

5. Our mouths are too small for our teeth

Palate expander!

Palate expander!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!

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